Dear Sir or Ma’am,
I wish to express my displeasure with your delivery service related to a package that was supposed to be delivered to me recently. On a scale of one to unsatisfied, services rendered on the occasion approached congressional budget committee levels of epic fail. I was so displeased that i attempted to convert my beloved DeLorean into a time machine in an effort to have my package shipped through a different delivery service. Alas, my attempts have failed (and now I’ve managed to piss off a van full of Libyan terrorists). As it turns out, i know very little about the theory of relativity, astrophysics, Einstein-Rossen Bridges, and magnets. Thus, the only course of action remaining is retaliation. And since your competitors will not allow me to ship road kill and hornets to your corporate headquarters (yeah, i looked into it), I am writing you this letter to express my displeasure.
As a favor to your company, I have created a new name for you. This service is rendered free of charge, as I believe it is my responsibility to inform other consumers of your corporate image and policies.
UPS: Unhelpful Porcupine Sluts
I arrived at this company name after careful market research and thorough statistical analysis of consumer feed back. I don’t want to bore you with the technical details, but I will attempt to explain how I reached this conclusion. Let me break it down for you.
- When I attempted to have the package held at my local distribution center, I discovered I was not able to do this on your website. What is this, the dark ages? Do I need to send a request through the pony express? How about a telegram? Your competitors will let you do this on an iphone app. Get with the program grandpa.
- When I called to have the package held, I was connected to a call center in Mexico. Listen, if I wanted to talk to a Mexican I would visit the bus boy at the local Dennys diner or have my roof re-shingled. The operator was impossible to understand. Seriously, I think my toilet speaks more English (and I don’t feel sorry for making it put up with my shit). If the package is only going 500 miles, don’t connect me to a call center 5000 miles away. How are they supposed to help? Have they perfected Einstein-Rossen Bridges and wormhole travel? (because I could use some advice if they have)
- What the hell are ever happened to ‘the customer is always right?’ “There’s nothing I can do” should not be in your vocabulary. I know I’m a selfish asshole (actually i prefer narcissistic jerk), but this selfish asshole is doing business with your company (not any more). Your company, out of all the other companies out there. That makes you special (very special), so make some reasonable accommodations to satisfy me. If I wanted someone to tell me “There’s nothing I can do” I would ask congress to pass a balanced budget.
- What’s the difference between a UPS truck and a porcupine? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the inside. Your drivers are pricks and they suck at their jobs. I received one notice than an attempt had been made to deliver my package, the final notice. I was told that all three notices had been left. So either the neighborhood kids like stealing sticky notes (not likely after the punji pit incident), or your drivers are as honest as a lawyer turned politician. This is not the first time I have failed to receive a notice when a delivery attempt has been made. I swear it’s a mass conspiracy that stretches beyond the delivery drivers, spanning decades and incorporating elements of the CIA, Roswell landings, Keebler Elves, the moon landing, Barrack Obama’s birth certificate, the Kennedy assassination, black helicopters, Reaganomics, Tony the Tiger, Mormonism, the Total Gym, and Tupac’s ‘death’. No one wants me to get my packages and I’m starting to get pissed off at all of you. Except for the elves, they’re cool. Everyone already knows that elves live in a world of secrecy and deception. And their cookies are like little drops of heaven, which offers a cool contrast to the hell you’ve put me through.
- The intelligence of your employees rivals that of this adorable woodland creature. I doubt any of them would recognize a porcupine if they sat on one.
- I would rather make love to a sack full of porcupines than ever deal with your company again.
- Because you are withholding my ‘package’ you dirty whores. Seriously, how many ‘packages’ pass through the bowels of your operations every day? I bet your father is ashamed of you.
For your information, the package was a case of lemons sent from the finest organic lemon grove in this country. I love this delicious citrusy fruit and its existence is celebrated every year in the country of my ancestors. I was planning a grand celebration with my closest friends featuring lemon aide, lemon meringue pie, lemon chicken, fried lemons, and whiskey spiked lemon tea among other delightful citrus dishes. The Festival of Lemons is a popular tradition in my native land of Norway and is celebrated every year by men and women, young and old, rich and poor alike. If you wish for more information on this delightful festival, please visit (NOTE: DO NOT VISIT THIS SITE! IT IS ONLY FOR THE ORIGINAL LETTER! NOT FOR YOU! it is disgusting. dont say i didn’t warn you) http://www.lemonparty.org
Your complete disrespect for your customers and your gross lack of service has forced me to use store bought lemons for the Festival of Lemons. This is completely unacceptable and has cause me great emotional duress. As compensation for the mental anguish this catastrophe has cause me, I demand that the following actions be taken to rectify the situation immediately:
- I own a horse. I want her shipped, free of charge, to my Aunt’s ranch in Norway
- explain how magnets work
- travel back in time and prevent the birth of Rebecca Black, Chad Kroger, and Justin Bieber.