I’ve been debating about whether or not I should make this post for the last few days, and finally decided it had to happen. This is about the wedding I attended last weekend. Congratulations Mike and Nikki. I was supposed to have a date for this function, but due to complications beyond her control, she couldn’t make it. I was disappointed, but still determined to have fun. So what did I do? I got drunk and hit on bridesmaids. Wait, that makes me sound like a narcissistic jerk (well I am, but not on this particular occasion). It was just one bridesmaid, and I’ve know her for a while. She’s also very pretty and waaaaaaaay smarter than I.
Particularly, this is about a text message conversation I had after I left the reception. Usually (always, in fact), I would keep something like this private, because sharing it feels too much like gossip. However I’m breaking that rule because: 1) its pretty darn funny 2) I’m making fun of myself here, not her 3) I’m not going to tell you who she is, and I doubt anyone (save Nikki or Mike) could figure out who I was talking with here. My texts are normal font, hers are italicized, and my thoughts on the exchange are in bold. For the record, no kiss ever happened. At least I don’t think so. I’m 99% sure on this because I didn’t black out till I got home, and I remember expressing my desire to kiss but not actually making a move. Which totally sounds like me. Honest to a point that’s ridiculous, but totally lacking the courage to do anything about it.
1107: Thank you for the dance. You looked gorgeous tonight. Next time I wont as permission. To kiss you
Apparently she never got this one, changed her phone number. It caused some confusion, but……. It also means she texted me first! (well sort of) yeah!
1121: Sorry, I probably should have kissed you back. You’re not as bad as I was saying. And I’m probably drunker than I was saying.
Damn strait you should have! wait, who’s this?
1126: Dont recognize this number, so I assume your *****. And you should have.
smooth, real smooth
1132: It is indeed *****. How many people did you kiss tonight?
@#$%^! how do I always manage to say the wrong damn thing?!
1133: You, but this doesn’t change the face that your ohone number has changed
A savvy answer lacks a numerical response, pronouns are more hip. Try it on your next math test.
1134: That’s cuz I moved and got an awesome new phone.
I wish they had awesome phones where I lived
1136: Wait, then howd you get my first txt message?
The phone gnomes probably forwarded it to the right person
well maybe the phone gnomes sent it to the wrong person
1139: If your awesome new phone is so different how’d you get my text messages in the first place?
I don’t know whos more confused at this point: me, her, or the phone gnomes
1143: Because it’s awesome and can text? Are you talking about the cake picture that you sent to Nikki’s phone that was in my purse?
OMG! CAKE!!!!! wait, the cake is a lie. the cake is always a lie. fool me once, shame on portals
1144: Im talking abou youre pretty face. I have nothing to do with that cake
quick. cover up the fact that you have no idea whats going on with a complement.
1148: That makes no sense. I have a feeling you’re drunker than you thought too.
Shes right, that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Time to act sober dave.
1150: What do you mean? That makes perfect sense. If you changed your number, how did you get my first text. How does that not make sense?
and not a single misspelling, whos has two thumbs and is the best drunk texter ever? This gu- wait….. can you even text without two thumbs?
1150: Did you send me a text before I sent you one?
maybe those phone gnomes don’t exist after all.
1151: Yes, and I sent it to you 417 number
quit misspelling words, shes going to know your plastered.
1152: Oh well I definitely didn’t get that one. What did it say?
1159: Sorry, I probably should have kissed you back. You’re not as bad as I was saying. And I’m probably drunker than I was saying.
crap, wrong text. double crap, it was the wrong person! how do I cover this up?
1200: Thats what you said.
real smooth dave
1200: Right. That’s what I sent. Did you say something before that?
1201: Yup. Let me find it here real quick.
Because this was totally necessary
1203: Thank you for the dance. You looked gorgeous tonight. Next time I wont as permission. To kiss you
well now shes definitely going to know your hammered, but at least you were honest
1212: Oh, yup didn’t get that. Thanks I guess. And thanks for hanging out with me. I felt a bi abandoned with all those LVR people around.
huh, i guess those phone gnomes really don’t exist
1220: I didnt even notice them.
I was too busy shoveling booze down my throat. What else are you suppose to do at an open bar?
1222: That seems unlikely. They were everywhere.
Well I did pick the table closest to the bar. Its pretty difficult to see much from there. Heck, it’s hard enough to get the room to stop spinning.
1227: I dont remember that. I just found some lemonchello!
OMG! this has alcohol in it.
1230: I would imagine you don’t need to drink anything else tonight…
She probably has a point…. but its already half gone, might as well finish it.
1233: Whats that supposed to mean? I just found half a bottle of lemonchello in the freezer from fresshmen year
i probably should have just tossed the stuff, it was about 6 years old.
1237: How in the world do you not drink a bottle of lemoncello in 4 years? That stuff is delicious.
I’m pretty sure this tastes like draino, actually. And that was before it went bad. Maybe thats why theres still some left. Oh, well. bottoms up.
1239: Well im working on it now, you should gimme a hand with this
And I wonder why I’m still single. Could it have anything to do with lines like these? nah, it’s probably just those pesky compliments, women hate those.
1242: You know, I would, but I’m at Tami’s and were going to church tomorrow.
1246: Probably a good decision. Good luck with virus lab and lif and all that
1250: Thanks, good luck with your trash and stuff.
1252: Lol. Thanks….. And stuff
Well, thats about it. Nothing ever came of it, and i doubt it ever will. She texted my a few days later and said how embarrassed she was about the whole thing, which i don’t really understand. If I wanted to embarrass her, i could think of much better ways to do it. I did learn an important lesson though, and next time, I’m not asking for permission.